Its not that easy.. especially since I've been working with kids.. but God is definitely teaching me!

So i realized that i soak other people's personalities/actions very easily.  the teachers at my work are strict and I think that's why i'm good at my job also.. i'm also strict.. but i lack finesse and tact.  I got a complaint from a few parents... that i need to stop saying certain things and to be discreet with a few things.  But, my boss knew how to give me bad news.. she sandwiched it with good stuff.. she likes how i AM strict with the kids, but i also must be a good role model (i still can't believe i forgot to be a good role model).  I was talking to Alice (who works with me) and she was very encouraging.  She reminded me that i don't have experience and this stuff happens.. i just need to learn from it. 

So i spent the rest of the day/night thinking about what i can do.. what i did.. lingering on it.. not being able to focus.. I didn't know what i could do! But.. Alice asked me an interesting question.. she said that i'm usually a [happy] (i can't remember the specific word.. so i had to make it up) person.. so what happens at work that changes that??  I had to think about it! i really honestly did! was it because i wasn't a happy person anymore?? i don't think so.. but i realized.. that when i get to work, i get frustrated and kinda tired of their "personalities", but that's not an excuse.. i know that now..  One great thing about working with a Christian is that they encourage you to pray..  And pray i did. 

Then God revealed to me through the BSF lessons (or somewhere else.. i can't remember) that i need to emulate Christ at my work.. because i'm not just living the Christian life when i'm doing devos or during Sunday..  I need to emulate Christ at work...

The hardest part was figuring out what that meant.. first of all, i need to be my happy self at work again!  Then i need to be patient and love them.. because with love, i will try my best to be patient and slow to anger.  There were a few more things.. but those were the two main things.

I tried it the next day.. and boy did i learn that i can't change some actions overnight!  But i was more happy.  I was able to be a little more patient and more aware of what i was saying or, more importantly, HOW i was saying it.  I thought i did okay... but i need to continue to pray before work that God will remind me that i am the light for the kids.. i need to love them.. and be patient.. and learn to communicate with them without them being afraid of me.

I need to earn their trust again.  I know its not that bad, but i still have one certain comment from my boss that lingers.. and still makes me doubt my ability to be a tutor.. or to even work with kids.  that's something i need to work through.. to pray through..  I have faith that God will make it pass..  i just need to give it all up to Him

I can do this.. not on my strenght alone, but by His grace in me that works throughout.

Boy, applying to colleges now is sure different now that i have to pay for the application fees myself.  I thought paying for college was expensive already, but now i have to pay for application fees on my own!  No more financial aid helping me.  It looks like i'm going to have to wait until mid-October to apply. 

Trying to buy the TEAS test book and that costs money too.. hmmm

There are two options.. and it is something i need to think about.  Which is more important?  Spending the money now so i can get these things out of the way, or wait until my first paycheck then spend the money? 

will think about it tomorrow.

Just needed to point out how everything is still about money.  Its what will determine if you go to college or not -- if you're not a super genius.

to be a person being directly effected by the economy.

So during the first year that the economy was going bad, i wasn't really effected because my family was not into stocks or any of that stuff.  Tuition fees went up, but the government paid for it anyways, so it didn't matter.  At that time, I had hopes that by the time i went into a nursing program, the economy would be better and tuition would stop going up.  Nothing didn't really stress me out-- except for the fact that many families were homeless now.. but that's, again, not directly effecting me.

But, when I came back from China, i tried to add classes at junior colleges, look for jobs, and apply at a hospital for volunteer work to boost up my application.

Things did not look good right from the get-go.  I applied to many jobs in the first two weeks and didn't hear anything back.  I spent two weeks in and out of PCC and ELAC trying to add the two classes i desperately needed to get into a nursing program.  Life was stressful and i just remember waking up early every morning because i was so stressed about not being able to look for a job or get into Chem2A. 

It wasn't just me--  there were more people trying to add Chem than there were people actually in the class.  They had cut professors and the days they would teach the class.  PCC had small classrooms...  ELAC on the other hand had a big classroom, but no professors.  I was honestly tired.. both physically and emotionally at that point because i was feeling hopeless... i might have to wait another year to apply for nursing school...

What made it even worse was that i heard PCC canceled their Winter Session.. that was my only hope in getting caught up with my pre-reqs before i officially applied to the schools i wanted to go to.

As for jobs, i went on Craigslist to apply to 6 other jobs. still, nothing.  There were small glimpses of hope here and there, but nothing concrete.  People up-ed their standards of who they wanted to hire because they wanted their money's worth and i didn't want to work in retail anymore. 

Life gets better though... i got one class at ELAC because the professor is very understanding of our situation right now.  I got a job at a tutoring center that starts in October.  Its nothing great and if i have to postpone my nursing program for another year, i'm going to have to find something full-time.. but i'll deal with that hurdle when/if it comes.  A hospital called me and i'm interviewing for volunteer work this Friday.  I'm very excited because they said that they DO have a program to shadow nurses.. :)

God has taught me to truly trust Him.. even though i get nervous, anxiouls and stressed on a daily basis, He has calmed me down quickly and has given me peace...  I pray so much more often now and i honestly believe in the power of prayer now. :)

There is so much more I want to say, but its late and i should get a good head start on studying and chores tomorrow so i can go to BSF stress-free. :)

oh! and Urbana Bash is on Oct 4th!  It is a fundraiser party i am throwing at my house! we're going to have food and games and movies!  its $15 for everything and open donation is optional :).  It is going to help my friends and me to go to Urbana (mission's conference) in December.
If you have questions, comment on this blog or call me if you have my number, or email me. =)


 good night.